Part 3: Fear, nostalgia, grasping and the story of difference
Working with some of the key insights from my recent experience of being back in the music business. No longer chronological, taking a step back. Sensing into the larger patterns.
Good things come in three's? We'll at least this series does. This last part is somewhat removed from the direct experience of the reunion of A-teens. Instead it is me taking some space to evaluate some evolving sensemaking around what I have learned so far. As I also mentioned in my last piece I think that this will be integrating, unfolding and shifting in my life for quite some time.
There were three distinct topics that I would like to reflect on, directly or indirectly related to this experience: fear, nostalgia, grasping and then reverting back to my own personal story of 'being different' and how that lives in me now before we wrap up. Enjoy!
Reflections on fear
"Fear is excitement without breath" was something a friend recently told me.
Responding where there is space
There were those moments. A pulling on deep strings of fear that I could not cognitively understand. Just familiar sensoral patterns and sequences of exchanges that were happening in my proximity. My body responded. Without breath. Until there was breath, I was not present. Without connection to the flow there was a sense of 'stuckness'. A sense of something being done to me.
It reminds me of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu I'm practicing. Most of the time when someone is ‘putting pressure’ on me I push back. More experienced practitioners will be able to feel where there is space and focus on and direct attention to what parts of the body one can move instead of what is stuck. When we have trained our attention we can actually be with what is going on, not get stuck in the fear. Instead we move into the space, because there is always space.
Nora Bateson, that I recently had on the podcast, speaks of meeting not matching problems. I imagine this is part of that. Instead of being caught and pulled by the fear or the pressure, coaxed to react there is a possibility to truly discern and respond. Instead of action becoming only reaction, sticking us in the linear logics of causes and effects . There is a way to invite breath and calm, and discover the possibility for a micro movement somewhere where there is space to shift. That shift leads to another, then another, and another. Before you know it: everything is different.
Fear is metabolically expensive
So there was fear in me and around me. Being with fear and doubt takes a lot of energy in my system. In the beginning it was hard to discern where my tiredness came from. But as the weeks went by and the fear trickled out of the field it became clear. Fear is truly an 'invitation to listen, with every cell of your body' as one of my teachers say. That listening is metabolically expensive. The dealing with it sometimes means making it visible and setting a boundary, sometimes its the opposite. Sometimes the fear was not mine and any pushback would have only made it stronger. Like in the wrestling, it’s often inefficient to match what’s being done to you. Better to go at it from a different angle. To find the angle one has to first simply be with it. Not even ‘holding space’ for it, not trying to under- or overcome it. Just get really close to it. Listen to what it had to say with an open mind, open heart and open will and then let it shift my posture. Those shifts are very subtle. Only a trained practitioner will be able to see what happened. Yet, shifts happened. Sometimes the most subtle movements have profound consequences.
Arousal as fear of the potential
Another point I wanted to raise briefly and incompletely. An ongoing exploration in collective practices I am in is the notion of arousal (Bonnitta Roys terminology). When we are in spaces together, especially when we have an ambition to do something (like a performance), there is a certain activation. When there is a a something to be done, then we cannot 'just let things slide'. This is a wonderful source of energy as it often sparks passion. Usually however, we are unable to harvest it as such. It will often come out as inter-personal frustration or conflict. That’s certainly been the case in most of my life, where I've let it collapse into some form of conflict or drama. When that happens potential is lost. When whatever we are engaged in matters, it moves (or arouses) us. This is generation of energy that we can direct constructively or destructively. Without a practice that builds our capacity most of us will go into various destructive or escape patters. This destroys much of our co-creative potential. I think the reason for it might relate to fear of our collective potential and what realisation of that might mean. In Marianne Wilamssons words: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.” I won’t say more about that now.
Reflections on nostalgia
Another energy that was strongly present in the field was nostalgia. From one perspective it seemed that it was inevitable but I kept wondering: why is this so strong? There is a global revival of the Y2K era and it seems to hold many peoples attention. I think that it's more than just a generational shift, more than just gen X replacing the boomers. I imagine that it has something to do with a world that felt less perilous and less troublesome. A recovering to something into the present moment. Its just that it’s not a recovery, it is an escape. It might even on some level be another expression of the conservative thought-streams that are on the rise at present. I think this energetic requires some discernment. I cannot remember if it was the Stoics or the greeks that warned about nostalgia as a trap, but it’s not a new idea.
For me personally I didn’t feel the general nostalgia or the allure of the past that strongly. I did however discovere the significant discrepancy between what I remembered and told myself had happened for years versus what I was now experiencing. I didn't know that memory was this unstable. Or actually I did, but I was in the trap of thinking that everybody else's memory was terrible yet somehow mine was better than theirs. That said, much of the conversation and the interaction was filled with that nostalgia. Looking back, sticking us. I felt it almost like the way Narcissus gets stuck in his mirror image, the nostalgia was partly occluding what was there. Blinding us, directing our attention away from what was available be with right now. Perhaps another way to think about nostalgia is like a collective or generational narcissism. It was better then. We come from then. We are therefore better. It’s side-by-siding, it deludes. Perhaps it is just another form of escape.
Diving deeper into escapism
It seems to me that much of what we are doing and creating for ourselves are escapes. In the field of change agents, transformative entrepreneurs, impact entrepreneurs, self-help gurus are escaping into whatever future we're building. In other fields we see the clinging and grasping and recalling of a past. One we imagined (remembered) happened, that might never have happened at all. We get confused by talking about the past as indisputable fact, instead of a perception of something filtered through sediment of biological tissue, deeply influenced and shaped by the lives we are currently living. We also trap ourselves by placing our attention on things that can no longer be changed or affected, clinging to the emotion they give us, perhaps we believe that it is something we need to keep going. Regardless, futures and pasts stick us in places that are not here. Escape leads us astray regardless of its direction. It leads to suffering.
Another option is to build the capacity to be with what’s here, intimately attending to what seems to be unfolding. Curiously investigating our sense perception and how it’s narrated to us by our minds. It is important to work with your context, and its history is part of it, personal and cultural. Alnoor Ladha recently said in a podcast episode (paraphrasing) that unless we know the times we are living in we are useless to these times. Remembering is important, knowing that whatever is now is informed by what was then. Our memories are not just separated, objective images, they are actual structural imprints on our brains. They have shaped us in a neurophysiological sense. That is what structural coupling propose: our present cognition is structurally related to our history, to the lives we’ve lived. It defines which differences we judge as relevant and therefore can see and what is hidden from us.
A care(-)ful awareness of that bias, may let us source energy from other times that the present, as long as one grounds it here. What if that is an underestimated feature of our quantum reality: our ability to source energy from other times through imagination (past or future oriented)?
Reflections on grasping
I guess this is somewhat obvious but... grasping. It is treacherous. So much of what I just experienced falls in the 'good' category. In the category of what people dream of doing, experiencing etc. As attractive as the attention is and how viral the joy of performing is, it is also something that has the potential to stick you. The minute we shift out of the give-give + receive-receive pattern (as Jack Manning Bancroft so precisely puts it in the book Hoodie Economics) we're in tricky territory. When 'the other' is only giving and I am only receiving or vice versa we spiral in non-generative ways. The receiving needs to balance by giving and giving by receiving. Jack writes: "Giving is the investment, receiving is the externality."
It is so easy to get caught by attention. Especially when it seems like it has to do with me or parts of me. When that is directed towards us we grow bigger, inflate. This time around I felt it to be more wholesome as I had a posture where I didn't leave any particular part of me out. Whoever appeared on stage was the fullest version of me that fit, and that was also what received the attention.
Arriving back in Iceland and continuing my work led to an additional period of attention in another domain. In one where I am much more unconventional and have been operating in a liminal space where few have been able to understand what I’ve been up to. All of a sudden some of the work we’ve been doing for years is gaining attention and people are beginning to understand it’s significance. This is true for innrwrks as well as Paxymer (the materials chemistry start-up I run). I can see how treacherous that sudden attention is. It is elusive to be understood all of a sudden. The threads of grasping, where you imagine that you deserve the attention rather than just happened to tap into a moment where things aligned. And then the desire to begin to tailor your message and work. Attention is good, right? Or is it.
I can sense how that can easily turn into grasping and all of a sudden you lose integrity in your work and before you know it your caught in the system. Yet at the same time, communicating clearly so people understand is important. Part of communication is about who is talking. This is thorny. I try to navigate it by being vulnerable and transparent. Bringing in tensions, fears and doubts as well as (what I perceive as) brilliant ideas. I also try to watch my step by sensing into what is mine to carry and what might be "the other" trying to make something stick to me. ‘Them’ making ‘me’ carry something.
The practice of deep surrender to the fact that moments are always passing. That there is nothing other than whatever just moved. By the time we notice, it’s already gone. Even speaking, observing, fixing in a vision, goal or target has us out of contact with the world. It doesn't mean that periods of grasping or fixing the world and letting it inspire us isn't a useful way of moving. What it means however is that even the healthiest grasping is something that will put a distance between you and the present moment. However alluring the vision is you are going to have to to let go of it. Probably sooner rather than later. Recognising the longing that might lead to grasping is important. To admit that for instance my desire for significance, for showing 'them' etc. moves me however well I think I am conscious of it. It takes discernment to remain in contact with the flow when longing is at play.
The story of difference
We might have already noted this. But I keep it here as reminder. I had that story in me strongly. I am different. No one understands me. I don’t belong, not really. They are making me… it’s just that they aren’t they. It’s all us. I stepped into the weeks of rehearsal imagining that I would not belong and found that I was the one maintaining the distance. That most of my positioning had to do with something I needed. The other side of the coin to difference is of course significance. That very thing that I long for. “Mommy says I’m special” type of stuff. I am joking but there is truth in that.
I think this ties it together nicely. Most of what we experience is ours to deal with. Sometimes it is nice to be separate, different, other, significant, not understood. There is always the invitation to look at how the story serves me to. Especially when it is a story that has been unfolding over a long period of time. There is usually good reason for these stories remaining. We like them on some level.
As with the grasping, nostalgia and fear unless we are attached to it it might be generative. We are different and not. The difference has little do to with my belonging or membership. The difference, if anything, is actually a source of strength. That is what allows us to see more of the world when we get curious about it. The difference is the portal into ‘deep level’ diversity. Deep level diversity is the portal to creation. Like Glenda Youang so eloquently put it in the World of Wisdom Podcast. Difference is potential energy, it is the nature of our cognition (all we can see is the same or difference) and it is a leaver for change. Which one does it live as for you?
Summing up
This journey of reliving has been incredible for my own healing. It has allowed me to do many of the "re-words" like repair, regenerate, remember, recognise, represent, reform, etc. I am particularly grateful for having been able to step into it with open mind, heart and will, deeply curious about what I was about to find. Even though some time has passed I can feel that this is actually just the beginning of a longer and deeper journey of integration and transformation.
I hope that the words I've written sparks something in you. If I were to sum up what that could be I'd say something like: I hope you can feel the curiosity and tentativeness by which events that we have lived through are not just what we remember. That memory is fickle. That our cognition is a result of structural coupling i.e. our awareness, even when we perceive it to be fully open, is mostly enacting habits that we have picked up along the way. Habits that are there for good reason. Memory is not about what happened then, it is there to serve us now. To play into whatever story we are living. Let it help you but don’t believe it too literally.
I want also to point to the wider spectrum of cognition as a more reliable tool for remembering. Not just thinking thoughts but bringing in the full body. At the very least in combination with the rational and storytelling organ (the brain). At least in communication with a mind that is beyond the brain or the body. It was a privilege to get to remember the joy of performance and play, how wonderfully enlivening it is. How remarkable our bodies are.
The details of this piece noticing the influence and energy it takes to deal with fear. How nostalgia is treacherous. It takes us away from this moment. That escaping, into futures or pasts is equally treacherous. So is floating in this moment, not recognising that it is a product of both moments passed and what we long for. We need to be grounded to be able to feel where there is space and courage to shift into that space to see what happens from there. Finally we looked at grasping. The necessary discernment between what nurtures and feeds us and what holds us back. To let ourselves be carried without getting stuck or sticking in it. These are highly contextual practices that require us to participate in our world actively. I think as a final sentence I want to bring back the quote by J.M. Bancroft as a final remembrance, as a way to position ourselves in most of our exchanges: "Giving is the investment, receiving is the externality."